Style and Classic Forever

Absolutely unequal, do you mean! Some are sensual, more cerebral, some make love three times a day when others just once a month. No abnormalities in there. The only criterion that exists in terms of desire is: is there or not suffering? If there is suffering, we must act. If not, is that everything is in order.

The desire is built in childhood

For Freud, adult sexuality, genital, is built in childhood from two phases of development called oral and anal. Orality described as “cannibalistic” based on the pleasure of the mouth: suck, suck. The anality results from the discovery of controlling their sphincters: the child realizes that he may gleefully hold or conversely releasing his productions bowel. And concludes that it can be satisfied, either actively or passively. Infantile sexuality is essentially autoerotic, centered on the true self.

Moreover, according to Freud, it is “perverse”, plural, because the child uses whatever is at hand to do good. Desire, “libido”, has a sexual purpose, but not only. This is it, indeed, gives us the desire to understand the world, to turn to life. Sexual desire for each other is evolving, particularly at the time of the Oedipus complex, where the child longs for the parent of the opposite sex, while feeling guilty that momentum. This ever-present sense of guilt about sexuality as a potential reservoir of neuroses and moral difficulties. In fact, one does not abandon infantile sexuality to enter triumphantly into the era of mature sex. It remains all his life depends on his emotions of children. Hence, according to psychoanalysts, all aberrations and complications of adult desire.

Remember that the main body of desire, for humans, is his psyche. Cycles a couple therefore depend on the personal history and no generality is possible. Anyway, the man is not cyclic since manufactures billions of sperm per day, and a man in good physical and mental health can almost make love with the same intensity all his life. The woman, however, has a predetermined number of cycles. However, female desire is linked to cycles since it depends, in part, hormones. At menopause, a woman may experience physiological disorders that cause a decrease in desire. Hence the value of hormone replacement therapy since they cancel almost all of these side effects. As a sexologist, I note, moreover, a rebirth of desire when the children have become independent. Women 60 years are surprised to be stretched again by their husband, retired and relaxed, then they thought they were more desirable.

The desire to maintain it more easily when you have lots of fantasies?

There is no desire without fantasy, since desire is linked to the memory of a former enjoyment. A man will be sensitive to women’s necklines, because his first emotions were linked to those of an aunt or a maid. A woman will find a erotic man in jeans and bare feet, because it reminds him of something from his past. However, some individuals are tied by their fantasies, to the extent that they cannot enjoy repeating the same scenario, such a scene of violence or humiliation for example. They are addicted like a drug, while freedom is to be present at the person with whom one is: there is the opportunity to discover the wealth of love games and enjoy what the we have.

Yes, creating surprise. There are two kinds of desire, the desire and the desire provoked spontaneous. The spontaneous desire, it is these bursts of pleasure that can arise at the hairdressers for example – I know women who have real orgasms when their mass head – or at the physiotherapist. This desire is totally instinctual. And then there’s the desire provoked, he who speaks. La Fontaine warned us: “The trouble came a day consistency. “I do not know that much about the desire to be unacceptable because it creates a necessary complicity to last, but you have to allow a range unknown. Desire awakens through strategies, creating a special moment of intimacy. This can be, without any official celebration, bring a bouquet of flowers or a book that is known to like. Or simply change their hairstyles. This is be confusing.

And if we do not have the energy to make an effort, if one is not even in the desire to desire?

Is this lack of desire arises in the heart of a couple because it fails to transform the lightning strike that led to his debut in a true love, or because for various reasons, the story is finished. Good separation is more appropriate than a bad couple! Is he who is concerned by the lack of desire is depression, what happens to those who, in their infancy, could not find the objects that are to enjoy, such as mother’s breast. The priority is to treat the depressive syndrome.

Strategies to awaken the desire which you speak are they sufficient for all couples?

No, because the unconscious is sometimes stronger than anything. To change it, then there is only one solution: hire a therapy. For example, there are women who, because of a Puritan upbringing, are doing unconsciously to turn off all sexuality within the couple, while others, who fear that too much love to the love overflows; or men who, because of a complicated relationship with their mother, are drowning in work. In these cases, it is the person to do work and, generally, during therapy, the desire for another is reborn.

The desire is exhausted there any faster when you stay with the same partner?

A form of monotony settles similarly when it changes often. The desire is exhausted because neither partner was able to maintain an element of mystery and play But I know of couples that have lasted over forty years and for whom everything is fine.

Men and women they easily decode the desire of the other?

A man never understands anything to a woman’s desire. In contrast, a woman, since she knows a man, knows them all. All are concerned about the same thing: “Will I” bend “? “While every woman is doing as she can with her childhood, her parents, Oedipus. Every woman is different and, when a man knows one, he knows that. This explains why men them did not have much to talk about themselves, their sexuality is more or less to summarize “it works or it does not work”, while women do not stop to discuss the different tones assume that the desire and pleasure for each.

There is urgent need to reintroduce the language of love in the field of sex. And the media has some responsibility because they are the first to carry the speech thought of sex, this “sexophonie”. It is not a return to the romantic ideal or the abstract idea of ​​pure love. But we must reinvent love sex, start to think in terms of dating, relationships between people, people with a name and a face.

Gerard Vallès is a child psychiatrist, psychoanalyst and sexologist. Founding member in 1975 of the French Federation of Clinical Sexology, he is now vice president of the World Association of Sexology.

Psychoanalysis teaches us that sexual desire is always singular, because he was born and developed in our personal history. Elusive, more to keep permanently, it is essentially mysterious and volatile. Hence the questions, doubts and worries that his irregularity or its absence generates the torque. Gerard Valles explains what can dry out when feeding.

Psychologies: What is desire?

Gerard Vallès : The definition given by Freud’s desire is still relevant. He explained that during the care she gives to her child, the mother does “enjoy” far beyond the need since it satisfies the same time, she cajoles him and speaks of love. For Lacan, this ‘extra’ enjoyment is a given when the baby did not ask. And then claiming the child and beyond all this enjoyment need not ever get completely, because what he wants is that you enjoy to do without his request.

Desire is the memory of this unexpected pleasure that we would find. Our wish is to be desired out of any strategy of seduction, what Lacan summarizes by this formula: “The desire of man is the desire of the other. “Therefore, anything box in any relationship, because the desire for one is never fully in line with the desire of the other. And fortunately it missed a bit: this is because the desire is not completely filled it stays awake.

Why, then, couples know they are times when there is decreased desire and sometimes even death?

Because when I say that desire is the memory of an unexpected infant enjoyment that you would find, I express the wish that there lives a surprise. To desire is to wait to be surprised by the other. However, some couples settle into a routine that is a real “kill desire.”